Now to start my story:
I. In the Beginning...... From the age of 9, the enemy of our souls found an easy target in me for serious instability and mental, emotional breakdown. I had inherited the curse of my father's DWO serious struggle with what would now be diagnosed as clinical depression. As well, if in school today, I would be evaluated as being ADD. Without today's knowledge, I was thought of as slow and a little short on intellect -- dumb. I was lovingly called Dingy Lou by my housemates in college. However, my immaturity with self-centered, hell-bent ways and self-pity continued well into my 30s. I had serious bouts with depression including postpartum after the birth of both children. A later and final bout, which came after salvation, brought about a 6 month leave of absence from my teaching position and the diagnosis of suicidal, agitated depression.
The truth is that suicidal, agitated depression in my case was also a fancy term for the condition I brought along with me from my past into this present situation which included all those attitudes of trying to live for self and failing while swallowing the lies of Satan. Mentally ill, yes, but still it includes the color of sin. Believe me, the chemistry in my brain was and, in many ways, still is screwed up, but early on I chose the patterns of thinking that took me along the pathway established by the way of my fallen, carnal self.
II. Salvation.....And getting to the reason for all this..…
As I came into my late 20s I was running on empty. I had by now tried all the usual things that are supposed to fulfill us -- higher education, marriage, fraternal membership, children, working, having my own home and, of course alcohol. I believed in a living God but knew nothing of His Son Jesus -- not much church in the formative years. I had come to wish I'd never been born, believing, that as none of us had asked to be born, the suffering in living was unjust. Sometimes, in my desperation, I "prayed" to this God that I hated, and sometimes I would sense a presence or an insight which seemed to be an answer; but, of course, not the answer I was looking for. But, oh, our amazing God! And I'm sure it was in great glee He orchestrated all the following -- as well as what had come before. Each event was leading to His magnificent salvation, the rescue from self-inflicted sin and death.
The only thing that had been keeping "poor little ol' me" from a permanent drop-out, was my two children, then 5 & 2 1/2. All praise to Him, for His plans included making sure that what they suffered, even after my birth into the kingdom of God, was covered by His loving care and protection. Today both, as well their family, are active Christians.
It is ironic, but at this time I started the 3 of us, the kids and myself, attending Sunday School at my hometown community and only church in town. I had also decided I needed to get them baptized. My motive for this strange behavior was my intense desire that these two innocents, who, by the by, also "had not asked to be born," have a different chance at life than the way I'd taken. I didn't want them to suffer, or actually catch, my hatred, anger, and as I later found, the root of it all-- fear. It's a wondrous thing, that according to Ecc.3:11, God had, at creation, "set a piece of eternity" in my heart as He had set in all men. Inside that place, I knew I was wrong and someone had to teach them the correct thinking about God. I was actually asking, bargaining with, God to do something I couldn't -- love them.
Of course, as arranged by God, I found, in the church's office, this wonderful, wise pastor. Brazenly, right up front, I told him that I hated God, but I wanted my children baptized. With God-wise simplicity he responded, "OK, but one of you, as the parents, must become a member of the church." || had made up my mind so I answered immediately, "I'll do it." Next came the special orchestration fore planned by the only one who could put it together so it could not miss His target. A new requirement for membership had just been started- a special series of basic Bible doctrine classes. And what a wonderful group! Some like me were new and some were members whom I had known as I grew up. Strangely, all accepted and obviously loved me just as I was. Oh, how clever our God is, for here's the truth: it was to be me who learned the correct thinking about God when I entered that church. I learned who God really is and what His Son had done, even for me, so that we could have life instead of death.
However, it wasn't to be that easy. I was so happy while going to those classes. After all I had finally found the answer, the Truth, a reason for living. But one last flurry of rebellion arose before I came to the end of myself. We came to the lesson that included "God's foreknowledge," I did not understand about His omniscience (meaning all knowing - He already knew what I would do.). I couldn't/wouldn't give up that. I did the choosing, not God. Now | wasn't just on empty, but with nothing left, not even fumes to run on. I was stopped right there in the middle of this road I had turned onto. I could not find a fix for this. I had already gone to the pastor who, again with sincere simplicity, said, "The Bible says it, therefore it is true." So with a sense of sadness I just sat down there in the road, and then I spoke out, loudly, "OK, God, I give up. I've tried to see it Your way and it's not working. I don't get it; don't like it. I'm just going to sit here and whatever happens happens. I'll stay on long enough to see that the kids' basic needs are taken care of. But no more Sunday School, no nothing!" And I started, then and there, doing just that --nothing.
But the next day was Sunday. I had forgotten to inform the friend who picked us up for Sunday School! Honk, honk! Can you guess? Just so happened we were up and even dressed. I thought, "It's easier to go than it is to explain. I just won't listen." I sat down 2nd row, outside chair, next to the door. And I didn't listen -- until I heard her say, "God does not hear nor answer the prayers of the unsaved." Suddenly I was speaking, "That's not true. I know someone who is unsaved and she prayed and He answered the prayer." She was startled, but she answered kindly and went on with the lesson. She had known and evidently cared about me from the time of about the age of 11. Her daughter and I played together, and she was not fooled about who "someone" was in my outburst. He had arranged it all, because then came the event that sealed the fact that I am even here with you today.
I was almost immediately aware of a presence. I could "see" a white, somewhat, opaque robe beside me. First thing, I checked around me. Everyone was still there, but no one was paying any attention to me or the presence next to me. Other than the teacher's voice, just audible in the background, it seemed strangely quiet. Just me and the Presence. Within only a few seconds I simply "knew" that it was Jesus. Then I became aware of His hand being extended out in front of me. I again within moments "knew" what I was to do, --- what I needed to do. I put my actual hand in His. Yes, a hand seen only by me. For the first time and it will probably be the best time here on earth I experienced peace and joy indescribable, all around me, in me. And no matter the detours I have taken, He never, never let go. So, yes, have let go, but He never. Great is His faithfulness, mercy and might.
